I never know what to put in the title...

So far, so good.

That really sums most of it up. Just got back from one of my weekly NST. Heart rate sitting at 125, and then accelerating up to about 150 with good movement. Blood pressure good, as always.

I see the OB on Thursday, and this will be the appointment where I get my prenatal sheet to carry around with me, and also I will get switched over to bi-weekly appointments.

Next week Tuesday I have another ultrasound in Winnipeg. Hoping everything looks good still! Still not sure if they will have me come back to Winnipeg for another ultrasound after this one or not. I will be 32 weeks pregnant next week, and if they follow their normal schedule, having me come back in another 4-5 weeks puts me at 36 or 37 weeks and by then we are already into planning mode on how this baby will be born. So I don't know.

On the emotional front, I have being dealing with a few little panic attacks each day. They are worse during the day when I'm home by myself and I find myself doing nothing for a bit. So as long as I keep myself relatively busy during the day with little things, and my hubby comes home to me in the evenings (which he always does!), I can manage them. They mostly stem from memories. I still can't get my head past how everything ended last time. My mind imagines all the way up to the birth, and then slams to a halt. Then I start to panic; worry about recent movement, worry about a possible c-section....everything just hits me all at once. I'm just glad I have such wonderful support around me!

Train keeps rolling...

Forward. Always forward.

I just realized that in my last post I said that my house is usually 90% ready for company; these last two weeks must have been that other 10%. Not a huge mess by any means, but clutter and stuff everywhere. In my defense, we were busy with taking the youth to a conference in Winnipeg for a weekend, so there was the planning beforehand and the sleep needed after, so that really dragged me down. But I will work at it slowly, and it will be back to neat in no time.

In baby news; at my last OB appointment they had me do the 1 hour sugar test, and that result came back high. So this last Monday I went in to do the 3 hour sugar test (oh joy...not). But I called for the results yesterday and they were normal. Huh. So no gestational diabetes for me! But because of the high result on the 1 hour test, I am still conscious of how much sugar I'm taking in throughout the day.

And for the next little bit, not a lot planned.

Two more Fridays with the youth, with a huge wind-up on the 22nd. Then youth is done.

I have another OB appointment on the 28th, and after that I think they will be bringing me in for an appointment every 2 weeks because I'll be 31 weeks.

I have another fetal assessment on June 2nd in Winnipeg, and I'm thinking that might be the last time I head in to the big city for an ultrasound. I will just continue to be monitored here at home.

So after all that, being about 32 weeks by then, I will slowly start working on getting the baby's room finished (again). I've been scared of getting it set up early this time because....well....it's just scary! But it will need to get done for sure by then, so I will suck it up and just do it.

As a side note, because I don't really feel like going deep into my feelings on the subject, let me just say that I'm not sure how to feel on Sunday (Mother's Day). It will be odd.

Ups and Downs

So I realize that I haven't posted on here in a while. Don't quite know why; it's not like I'm too busy. I'm on the computer checking this and Face.book a minimum of 3 times a day. Just an attack of apathy I guess. I think the easiest way to get all the news out in an understandable format is by numbers, so here we go:

1. I am enjoying being a stay at home wife/mom(?). With how drained I am, I don't think I could even make it through a 4 hour shift, let alone a normal 8 hours shift. But this allows me to make sure that at least 90% of the time I have something for supper planned, and the house is almost always in "company-ready" condition.

2. Everything still seems to be going fine with this pregnancy. I don't even remember when the last time I updated, so I'll just list what has happened so far.

- Ultrasound done in March; everything looking good. Heart development normal. Measurements were on track with dates. Heart beat good. (Forgot to ask for pictures at that one; oh well.)

- It was recommended (and I agree) that I start going for weekly non-stress tests just to keep an eye on the heart of the baby. So that started about halfway through March. It is nice to have that reassurance each week; to be able to just lay there for a couple of minutes with the baby's heart thumping away. So this will continue until the birth.

-Just finished going for an ultrasound yesterday. Again, all good news. Measurements on track with dates. Heart rate good. (see picture at the end of the post...)

3. I also had a doctor's appointment today, and while there we discussed what our options were for the birth of this baby. When Xavier was born, the OB had a hard time trying to get his shoulders out. Like he said, it wasn't such a huge deal at the time because with Xavier already passed away, there was no rush or anything. But he wasn't a big baby; he was only 7lbs 2oz. Because we are thinking positively and assuming that this baby will make it to delivery, it would become a big deal if the same thing happened again. So we were trying to figure out what the best plan of attack is.

I had asked the OB about the idea of inducing early (35 or 36 weeks), just to be able to have the normal birth with a "smaller" baby. But he nixed that immediately; it's just not something that they do. I was more just curious than anything, so I'm okay with that option not working. So after a bit more discussion, here's how it's going to break down. I will be monitored closely towards the end of the pregnancy by ultrasound, and they will be keeping a very close eye on the baby's size. The OB basically told me today that if it looks like it will be at all close to Xavier's weight, they will most likely be doing a c-section for the birth. Well, that does not leave a lot of room to allow for a normal birth, because if Xavier was 7.2 at 36 weeks, I'm not sure how small they think this baby will be if left to go to 37-40 weeks. As a result, it's pretty safe to say this one will be a c-section. So now I have that to worry about for the next 10-12 weeks. Joy.

But all in all, that is where we stand. Other than that, we keep busy with they youth program at our church. It will keep us busy for the month of May (what with a weekend conference and the big windup happening). The month of June will be spent getting the rest of the baby's room set back up, and waiting for the final verdict on the birth. 37 weeks is June 28-July 4, so I'm assuming they would plan the c-section for that week or the week after. And then it's a whole new ball game! (Hopefully....) And now, for the promised picture:

Sad revelation

I was at my OB appointment today, and realized that it's no longer fun to go there. I don't look forward to each one with the sense of joy that I did with the first pregnancy. Each time I go there, I feel more and more like crying as I sit there and wait. Kind of sucks.

Heartbeat was good; 145. Although baby was hiding on the OB a bit, took him a couple of minutes to find a good spot.

Waiting until the 17th when I have my ultrasound in Winnipeg.

Getting my act together...

...one room at a time.

Let's see. Valentine's Day was pretty fun. Without really planning it, I ended up getting a pedicure and my hair cut on Friday the 13th (everything turned out, whew!). Then Saturday morning I got my nails done; well filled actually. They are the gel nails, and it had been about a month since the last time.

So I was all prettied up, and we went for a nice supper. Yummy food, cozy atmosphere, fire alarm blaring....what? Yeah, apparently someone pulled the alarm as a prank, and it went off for like 10 minutes. They couldn't turn it off until the fire dept actually got there and verified it was a false alarm. But other than that it was a good evening.

Monday was a holiday here (Louis Riel Day), so N had the day off with me. We spent the morning cleaning out closets and deciding what junk we could all get rid of. We had a nice pile of stuff, and advertised it on a local web page. Within two hours half of it had sold and we had made almost $100. So we went and filled the van with gas! Always nice to be driving on a full tank rather than below the quarter-full line.

Now I am just trying to get into the habit of my cleaning routine that I have found here: http://www.flylady.net/. It's fairly simple, and allows me to spread my cleaning throughout the week so I don't have to blow all my energy on one full day of full apartment cleaning. Anyone else heard of this/tried this/do this?

Oh, and here is a picture we took on Sunday, as I was 17 weeks.

Not alot to say

That's why I really haven't posted on here for a bit. Well that and the extreme tiredness that I'm trying to deal with.

My OB confirmed that having two pregnancies so close together is causing quite a bit of strain on my body, so sleep is very important. Other than that, everything is going fine. My most recent appointment was on Feb 3rd. All looking good. Got a good heartbeat again; 150 this time. The ultrasound I had in Jan was pretty good. My due date changed a little bit; got pushed back 10 days. So instead of July 15th, I'm due around July 26th. The only thing odd they picked up on was that between the amniotic sac and either the placenta or uterine wall there is a small bubble of blood. Just hanging out, not really doing anything. OB told me it was no reason to worry; it's not going to interfere with the pregnancy in anyway. He just wanted me to know so that if I had a bit of spotting sometime, that as long as it's old blood that it would just be that bubble draining.

Next appointment is March 3rd. Waiting for that because then I can hear the heartbeat again. Been feeling a few of the first tiny kicks and flutters that will ease some of my tension between visits, so that's good. I'm anxiously waiting the fetal assessment I have in Winnipeg on March 17th. Higher tech machines and such will hopefully give me a better look inside and maybe a bit more in-depth info.

Other than that, just dealing with the strange weather we always seem to get. It's been warmer here the last few days, so all the snow started to melt and make it very slushy. Then all day yesterday it rained; we got about 5-10mm. Then today, it snowed about 6 inches. Not a good couple of days for driving I'll tell you! The snow is supposed to let off some time tonight, and I'm hoping that we go back to the warmer temps so that the snow will continue to melt!

The promised picture

So I have had this picture now for almost a week, and I realized I was being just lazy in not spending the 30 seconds to scan it to the computer. So finally, I got off my butt and just did it.

Makes me glad I have an internal heater right now

So, let's see here. Neck still sore from the pinched nerve? Check. Still have a tendency to feel quite nauseous at any time of the day? Check. Still having my body wake me up at 3 or 4 in the morning because I am that hungry? Check.

And now, to top it all off, the temperature here is currently -36 Celsius. Oh but wait. Add in the windchill factor of winds gusting at 20 to 30 km per hour, and it feels like........-52 Celsius!!!!!

*sigh* In better news, my ultrasound is today. Being able to see with my own eyes that everything is still okay will be wonderful. And the big questions will be answered; is there one or two? (My mind is still thinking maybe two.)

I will post later today with what all goes down, and maybe a picture if I get one.

Ouchie

So this will be just a quick post, as my neck is killing me. (Pinched nerve, anyone? Anyone?) Just wanted to let everyone know that I added the "Follow" gadget, so if you feel so inclined, follow along on our journey!

Eveyone with me now....."whew"

So a big sigh of relief for me. The appointment went rather well. (Aside from the nasty cervical exam and pap smear and stuff....always fun, right?) I told him I thought I was about 9w6d. After the internal exam was done, he checked my uterus, and it is well above the pelvic bone already. And he did try to find a heart beat, and IT WAS THERE! (I think I teared up a bit; man was I worried.) HB sitting at 160 bpm. Everything fine there too.

So because my uterus is a bit high and he could find the heart beat no problem, he is of the opinion that I am about 12w6d. I'm okay with that!

He is sending me for an ultrasound here, to get dates verified and such. But I am also getting sent to Winnipeg for a higher-tech ultrasound to check on blood flow. That will be interesting.

So for now I am happy, and doing a bit better than I was.

Totally confused by my subconcious

So I could have sworn that the really weird dreams didn't show up until much later in pregnancy. Either it's different just like everything else is with a second pregnancy, or my mind is just really messed up and enjoys playing little games with me. (Who doesn't feel at one time or another like slapping one of your friends because at camp he was eating all the good food with the superheros and leaving all the other kids to eat the slop that the Germans had brought over and it only consisted of different types of bread? That's normal, right?) Right. Moving on.

Later today I go see my OB for my first appointment since my six week check up after the last pregnancy. I wish I knew that I could get a lot more answers at this appointment that would allow me to feel more relaxed, but I don't think it's going to work. Here is a list of things that I would love to get done today but probably won't happen:

1. Find out how far along I really am. I never actually had a full normal period after the last pregnancy, so I can't use anything like that to date. All I know is the dates where we were actively "trying", and within that time frame I had one negative HPT. But it's also possible that I just wasn't pregnant enough yet for that test to tell me anything.

2. If I am far enough along, I would like to be able to hear a heart beat. It would go a long way to relieving me of over half of my fears. On the flip side, I don't think it would help me what-so-ever if the OB would try to find one anyways, and not be able to pick up anything. Oh sure, he would easily tell me that it's just to early, but I think I would just feel worse with that hanging over me because it was the heart that gave out in our first one.

3. A best case scenario would be that the OB would understand all my fears and concerns (which is very likely as this is the same OB that went through everything with us throughout the first pregnancy and knows what happened), and he will put a rush on my blood tests that will be done today so he can give me the good results before I leave, and then will call the ultrasound department and get me an appointment for later today just so I can see that everything is alright.

I don't ask for much, do I? Oh well. If all is well, I will post the details later today; maybe this evening some time. If nothing goes well, it might take me a few days to work up the courage to put my negative thoughts on here. We shall see.

Introducing......me!

Hello to all. (snicker....all? Who am I kidding, right?) Well, hello to me then. I must admit that I have long thought about coming here to put my thoughts down where a) I won't lose them and b) where I might get some advice, or help, or such stuff when needed.

I've even read a few of other people's blogs, and most of them can make me laugh out loud spontaneously, which is a very rare occurrence; well, it used to be. But I felt...inferior. The blogs that I now follow; they write so much better than I do. They use great metaphors, similes, and other things I haven't thought of since English class in Junior High. I don't think I can match that. But I will gamely try.

I'm not really going to do a long, introductory post all about me; background check, references, fingerprints, etc. I assume that information like that will just reveal itself as time rolls along. I will however copy a post here that I first made elsewhere, so that you will at least not be left in complete confusion as to what has recently happened. (Advance warning, it is a tad long; sorry.)

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We found out Jan 2008 we were pregnant. Due date set at Sept 12, 2008. You might think to yourself "That's great! Tell us how life as a new mother is going!"If I knew, I would tell you. But I don't. Not really anyway. I am still a mother. Unfortunately I am a mother without her child, her son.

Everything was going along fine during the pregnancy. No complications at all. I went in for a regularly scheduled appointment with my OB on Aug 12. Told him I had been experiencing a bit of spotting. He said that was nothing to worry about at this point. He pulled out the Doppler and I got ready to revel in the sound of my baby's heartbeat once again. Only this time, it didn't sound right. It was too fast, like the baby had just run a marathon or something. The OB got concerned too. He did a quick pelvic exam, and noticed that yes there was a bit of blood, and I was starting to ripen. He did the Doppler again. Became even more concerned. I was rushed across the street to the hospital (I called Husband at work and told him to come NOW!), and I was admitted and prepped immediately for an emergency c-section. IV, catheter, everything.

Then my OB came in and said that he had just talked to the pediatrician on call, and they didn't feel that they were equipped to handle any needs our baby might have when it came out. So they were going to send me to Winnipeg, to the Women's Health Science Center. They took the catheter out, taped up the IV, and we drove ourselves the two hours to Winnipeg. Got there, and I thought I would be right in because of the situation. Nope. Waited for like an hour in the waiting room until it was my turn. Finally got in, and they did a quick ultrasound. Yes, they could see the heart beating really fast. The two options were a c-section, or try this one drug to snap the baby's heart out of it's fast rhythm. The doctor suggested (and we went with) the drug, because if it didn't work we could always do the c-section later. Got up to my room finally about 6pm. Got the first dose of the drug at about 7pm. They tried an E.F.M., but couldn't get a proper reading, so they just left it. Then we waited.

My parents left to go home for the evening. Husband left to go to a friend's place for the night. I was alone. Scared. In a bit of pain. Uncomfortable. No nurses came to check on me. No one came to check on the baby. At about 2am I got the next dose of the drug, and I asked them if we could check the baby's heartbeat, just to see what was going on. They said sure, and pulled in the E.F.M. Nothing. Well, it hadn't worked before, so they got the handheld Doppler. Nothing. They tried for 20 minutes; nothing. I started to freak out. They called the doctor to come see me. He said he was on his way.

He finally got there at about 5am. He did another ultrasound. Not even 5 seconds after he started, he stopped. "There is no heartbeat." Oh. Shit. Call parents; they will be there asap. Call Husband. He's there in 20 minutes. We cry together. This is not what was supposed to happen. The doctor comes to talk to us. He is sorry. We don't blame him; how could he know? He says we can leave whenever, it's not necessary to deliver right away; I can go home to do that. My parents show up. We cry more. We leave the hospital and go back to my parent's home. Husband's parents travel out to be with us. We cry more. People call, mom talks to them all for me. People stop by, flowers are sent, etc. Husband's parents leave to go back later that day. Husband and I head home the next day.

We go to see my OB. He books me into the hospital for that Saturday, Aug 16. We start planning the funeral. I go into the hospital. They apply the gel to induce me. (I was already 3 cm dilated....) That's at 10am. I go to my room where I will give birth. Family is there. We just sit and talk. My water breaks at 5pm. Family leaves, Husband stays. The contractions are intense and painful. I use the tub to soothe the pain a bit. At 6:15-ish the nurse checks me; I am 8-9 cm dilated. I have to get out of the tub. I move to the bed. I start to push. My OB shows up; he will deliver our baby. I push through the pain. It hurts, so I try the laughing gas. I don't like that; way too lightheaded. So they hook up an IV in between contractions, and I get two quick doses of painkiller. It doesn't have time to take the pain fully away, it just lessens it.

7pm. Xavier Aiden Schettler is born silently. 7 lbs 2 oz. 21 inches long. 36 weeks. Perfect in every way, except I never hear him cry. He never opens his eyes. But they do clean him. They dress him. I hold him. He is mine. I have a son. I am a mother. Husband is a dad. We are a family; as much as we can be. Family (both) come back in after I am cleaned up. We all hold him. We take pictures of him; with him. It's all we will have.

Most of after is a blur. Leaving the hospital with empty arms. The funeral. Going through the process of the milk coming in; another painful reminder that I was all ready to give my baby, my son, life; and now I have nothing. Even now as I type this, 4 months later, I am crying because I miss him. It's not as bad as it was, but I will always miss him. He is our first child. Our other children will know that they have an older brother who is in heaven. And we don't forget, but life does go on.

We are on this roller coaster again. We found out on Thursday, December 11, that we are pregnant again. God give us strength to go through this. Give us peace.

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So that is kind of where we stand right now. I know it's kind of heavy to take in, and if you are reading this I hope it doesn't turn you away from here. I promise (and I sincerely hope) that I will never have to type something that heavy and serious for quite some time to come. And as I am sure that this post has become quite long than I thought my first one would, I will end here. Thank you for listening.