Introducing......me!

Hello to all. (snicker....all? Who am I kidding, right?) Well, hello to me then. I must admit that I have long thought about coming here to put my thoughts down where a) I won't lose them and b) where I might get some advice, or help, or such stuff when needed.

I've even read a few of other people's blogs, and most of them can make me laugh out loud spontaneously, which is a very rare occurrence; well, it used to be. But I felt...inferior. The blogs that I now follow; they write so much better than I do. They use great metaphors, similes, and other things I haven't thought of since English class in Junior High. I don't think I can match that. But I will gamely try.

I'm not really going to do a long, introductory post all about me; background check, references, fingerprints, etc. I assume that information like that will just reveal itself as time rolls along. I will however copy a post here that I first made elsewhere, so that you will at least not be left in complete confusion as to what has recently happened. (Advance warning, it is a tad long; sorry.)

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We found out Jan 2008 we were pregnant. Due date set at Sept 12, 2008. You might think to yourself "That's great! Tell us how life as a new mother is going!"If I knew, I would tell you. But I don't. Not really anyway. I am still a mother. Unfortunately I am a mother without her child, her son.

Everything was going along fine during the pregnancy. No complications at all. I went in for a regularly scheduled appointment with my OB on Aug 12. Told him I had been experiencing a bit of spotting. He said that was nothing to worry about at this point. He pulled out the Doppler and I got ready to revel in the sound of my baby's heartbeat once again. Only this time, it didn't sound right. It was too fast, like the baby had just run a marathon or something. The OB got concerned too. He did a quick pelvic exam, and noticed that yes there was a bit of blood, and I was starting to ripen. He did the Doppler again. Became even more concerned. I was rushed across the street to the hospital (I called Husband at work and told him to come NOW!), and I was admitted and prepped immediately for an emergency c-section. IV, catheter, everything.

Then my OB came in and said that he had just talked to the pediatrician on call, and they didn't feel that they were equipped to handle any needs our baby might have when it came out. So they were going to send me to Winnipeg, to the Women's Health Science Center. They took the catheter out, taped up the IV, and we drove ourselves the two hours to Winnipeg. Got there, and I thought I would be right in because of the situation. Nope. Waited for like an hour in the waiting room until it was my turn. Finally got in, and they did a quick ultrasound. Yes, they could see the heart beating really fast. The two options were a c-section, or try this one drug to snap the baby's heart out of it's fast rhythm. The doctor suggested (and we went with) the drug, because if it didn't work we could always do the c-section later. Got up to my room finally about 6pm. Got the first dose of the drug at about 7pm. They tried an E.F.M., but couldn't get a proper reading, so they just left it. Then we waited.

My parents left to go home for the evening. Husband left to go to a friend's place for the night. I was alone. Scared. In a bit of pain. Uncomfortable. No nurses came to check on me. No one came to check on the baby. At about 2am I got the next dose of the drug, and I asked them if we could check the baby's heartbeat, just to see what was going on. They said sure, and pulled in the E.F.M. Nothing. Well, it hadn't worked before, so they got the handheld Doppler. Nothing. They tried for 20 minutes; nothing. I started to freak out. They called the doctor to come see me. He said he was on his way.

He finally got there at about 5am. He did another ultrasound. Not even 5 seconds after he started, he stopped. "There is no heartbeat." Oh. Shit. Call parents; they will be there asap. Call Husband. He's there in 20 minutes. We cry together. This is not what was supposed to happen. The doctor comes to talk to us. He is sorry. We don't blame him; how could he know? He says we can leave whenever, it's not necessary to deliver right away; I can go home to do that. My parents show up. We cry more. We leave the hospital and go back to my parent's home. Husband's parents travel out to be with us. We cry more. People call, mom talks to them all for me. People stop by, flowers are sent, etc. Husband's parents leave to go back later that day. Husband and I head home the next day.

We go to see my OB. He books me into the hospital for that Saturday, Aug 16. We start planning the funeral. I go into the hospital. They apply the gel to induce me. (I was already 3 cm dilated....) That's at 10am. I go to my room where I will give birth. Family is there. We just sit and talk. My water breaks at 5pm. Family leaves, Husband stays. The contractions are intense and painful. I use the tub to soothe the pain a bit. At 6:15-ish the nurse checks me; I am 8-9 cm dilated. I have to get out of the tub. I move to the bed. I start to push. My OB shows up; he will deliver our baby. I push through the pain. It hurts, so I try the laughing gas. I don't like that; way too lightheaded. So they hook up an IV in between contractions, and I get two quick doses of painkiller. It doesn't have time to take the pain fully away, it just lessens it.

7pm. Xavier Aiden Schettler is born silently. 7 lbs 2 oz. 21 inches long. 36 weeks. Perfect in every way, except I never hear him cry. He never opens his eyes. But they do clean him. They dress him. I hold him. He is mine. I have a son. I am a mother. Husband is a dad. We are a family; as much as we can be. Family (both) come back in after I am cleaned up. We all hold him. We take pictures of him; with him. It's all we will have.

Most of after is a blur. Leaving the hospital with empty arms. The funeral. Going through the process of the milk coming in; another painful reminder that I was all ready to give my baby, my son, life; and now I have nothing. Even now as I type this, 4 months later, I am crying because I miss him. It's not as bad as it was, but I will always miss him. He is our first child. Our other children will know that they have an older brother who is in heaven. And we don't forget, but life does go on.

We are on this roller coaster again. We found out on Thursday, December 11, that we are pregnant again. God give us strength to go through this. Give us peace.

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So that is kind of where we stand right now. I know it's kind of heavy to take in, and if you are reading this I hope it doesn't turn you away from here. I promise (and I sincerely hope) that I will never have to type something that heavy and serious for quite some time to come. And as I am sure that this post has become quite long than I thought my first one would, I will end here. Thank you for listening.