The promised picture

So I have had this picture now for almost a week, and I realized I was being just lazy in not spending the 30 seconds to scan it to the computer. So finally, I got off my butt and just did it.

Makes me glad I have an internal heater right now

So, let's see here. Neck still sore from the pinched nerve? Check. Still have a tendency to feel quite nauseous at any time of the day? Check. Still having my body wake me up at 3 or 4 in the morning because I am that hungry? Check.

And now, to top it all off, the temperature here is currently -36 Celsius. Oh but wait. Add in the windchill factor of winds gusting at 20 to 30 km per hour, and it feels like........-52 Celsius!!!!!

*sigh* In better news, my ultrasound is today. Being able to see with my own eyes that everything is still okay will be wonderful. And the big questions will be answered; is there one or two? (My mind is still thinking maybe two.)

I will post later today with what all goes down, and maybe a picture if I get one.

Ouchie

So this will be just a quick post, as my neck is killing me. (Pinched nerve, anyone? Anyone?) Just wanted to let everyone know that I added the "Follow" gadget, so if you feel so inclined, follow along on our journey!

Eveyone with me now....."whew"

So a big sigh of relief for me. The appointment went rather well. (Aside from the nasty cervical exam and pap smear and stuff....always fun, right?) I told him I thought I was about 9w6d. After the internal exam was done, he checked my uterus, and it is well above the pelvic bone already. And he did try to find a heart beat, and IT WAS THERE! (I think I teared up a bit; man was I worried.) HB sitting at 160 bpm. Everything fine there too.

So because my uterus is a bit high and he could find the heart beat no problem, he is of the opinion that I am about 12w6d. I'm okay with that!

He is sending me for an ultrasound here, to get dates verified and such. But I am also getting sent to Winnipeg for a higher-tech ultrasound to check on blood flow. That will be interesting.

So for now I am happy, and doing a bit better than I was.

Totally confused by my subconcious

So I could have sworn that the really weird dreams didn't show up until much later in pregnancy. Either it's different just like everything else is with a second pregnancy, or my mind is just really messed up and enjoys playing little games with me. (Who doesn't feel at one time or another like slapping one of your friends because at camp he was eating all the good food with the superheros and leaving all the other kids to eat the slop that the Germans had brought over and it only consisted of different types of bread? That's normal, right?) Right. Moving on.

Later today I go see my OB for my first appointment since my six week check up after the last pregnancy. I wish I knew that I could get a lot more answers at this appointment that would allow me to feel more relaxed, but I don't think it's going to work. Here is a list of things that I would love to get done today but probably won't happen:

1. Find out how far along I really am. I never actually had a full normal period after the last pregnancy, so I can't use anything like that to date. All I know is the dates where we were actively "trying", and within that time frame I had one negative HPT. But it's also possible that I just wasn't pregnant enough yet for that test to tell me anything.

2. If I am far enough along, I would like to be able to hear a heart beat. It would go a long way to relieving me of over half of my fears. On the flip side, I don't think it would help me what-so-ever if the OB would try to find one anyways, and not be able to pick up anything. Oh sure, he would easily tell me that it's just to early, but I think I would just feel worse with that hanging over me because it was the heart that gave out in our first one.

3. A best case scenario would be that the OB would understand all my fears and concerns (which is very likely as this is the same OB that went through everything with us throughout the first pregnancy and knows what happened), and he will put a rush on my blood tests that will be done today so he can give me the good results before I leave, and then will call the ultrasound department and get me an appointment for later today just so I can see that everything is alright.

I don't ask for much, do I? Oh well. If all is well, I will post the details later today; maybe this evening some time. If nothing goes well, it might take me a few days to work up the courage to put my negative thoughts on here. We shall see.

Introducing......me!

Hello to all. (snicker....all? Who am I kidding, right?) Well, hello to me then. I must admit that I have long thought about coming here to put my thoughts down where a) I won't lose them and b) where I might get some advice, or help, or such stuff when needed.

I've even read a few of other people's blogs, and most of them can make me laugh out loud spontaneously, which is a very rare occurrence; well, it used to be. But I felt...inferior. The blogs that I now follow; they write so much better than I do. They use great metaphors, similes, and other things I haven't thought of since English class in Junior High. I don't think I can match that. But I will gamely try.

I'm not really going to do a long, introductory post all about me; background check, references, fingerprints, etc. I assume that information like that will just reveal itself as time rolls along. I will however copy a post here that I first made elsewhere, so that you will at least not be left in complete confusion as to what has recently happened. (Advance warning, it is a tad long; sorry.)

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We found out Jan 2008 we were pregnant. Due date set at Sept 12, 2008. You might think to yourself "That's great! Tell us how life as a new mother is going!"If I knew, I would tell you. But I don't. Not really anyway. I am still a mother. Unfortunately I am a mother without her child, her son.

Everything was going along fine during the pregnancy. No complications at all. I went in for a regularly scheduled appointment with my OB on Aug 12. Told him I had been experiencing a bit of spotting. He said that was nothing to worry about at this point. He pulled out the Doppler and I got ready to revel in the sound of my baby's heartbeat once again. Only this time, it didn't sound right. It was too fast, like the baby had just run a marathon or something. The OB got concerned too. He did a quick pelvic exam, and noticed that yes there was a bit of blood, and I was starting to ripen. He did the Doppler again. Became even more concerned. I was rushed across the street to the hospital (I called Husband at work and told him to come NOW!), and I was admitted and prepped immediately for an emergency c-section. IV, catheter, everything.

Then my OB came in and said that he had just talked to the pediatrician on call, and they didn't feel that they were equipped to handle any needs our baby might have when it came out. So they were going to send me to Winnipeg, to the Women's Health Science Center. They took the catheter out, taped up the IV, and we drove ourselves the two hours to Winnipeg. Got there, and I thought I would be right in because of the situation. Nope. Waited for like an hour in the waiting room until it was my turn. Finally got in, and they did a quick ultrasound. Yes, they could see the heart beating really fast. The two options were a c-section, or try this one drug to snap the baby's heart out of it's fast rhythm. The doctor suggested (and we went with) the drug, because if it didn't work we could always do the c-section later. Got up to my room finally about 6pm. Got the first dose of the drug at about 7pm. They tried an E.F.M., but couldn't get a proper reading, so they just left it. Then we waited.

My parents left to go home for the evening. Husband left to go to a friend's place for the night. I was alone. Scared. In a bit of pain. Uncomfortable. No nurses came to check on me. No one came to check on the baby. At about 2am I got the next dose of the drug, and I asked them if we could check the baby's heartbeat, just to see what was going on. They said sure, and pulled in the E.F.M. Nothing. Well, it hadn't worked before, so they got the handheld Doppler. Nothing. They tried for 20 minutes; nothing. I started to freak out. They called the doctor to come see me. He said he was on his way.

He finally got there at about 5am. He did another ultrasound. Not even 5 seconds after he started, he stopped. "There is no heartbeat." Oh. Shit. Call parents; they will be there asap. Call Husband. He's there in 20 minutes. We cry together. This is not what was supposed to happen. The doctor comes to talk to us. He is sorry. We don't blame him; how could he know? He says we can leave whenever, it's not necessary to deliver right away; I can go home to do that. My parents show up. We cry more. We leave the hospital and go back to my parent's home. Husband's parents travel out to be with us. We cry more. People call, mom talks to them all for me. People stop by, flowers are sent, etc. Husband's parents leave to go back later that day. Husband and I head home the next day.

We go to see my OB. He books me into the hospital for that Saturday, Aug 16. We start planning the funeral. I go into the hospital. They apply the gel to induce me. (I was already 3 cm dilated....) That's at 10am. I go to my room where I will give birth. Family is there. We just sit and talk. My water breaks at 5pm. Family leaves, Husband stays. The contractions are intense and painful. I use the tub to soothe the pain a bit. At 6:15-ish the nurse checks me; I am 8-9 cm dilated. I have to get out of the tub. I move to the bed. I start to push. My OB shows up; he will deliver our baby. I push through the pain. It hurts, so I try the laughing gas. I don't like that; way too lightheaded. So they hook up an IV in between contractions, and I get two quick doses of painkiller. It doesn't have time to take the pain fully away, it just lessens it.

7pm. Xavier Aiden Schettler is born silently. 7 lbs 2 oz. 21 inches long. 36 weeks. Perfect in every way, except I never hear him cry. He never opens his eyes. But they do clean him. They dress him. I hold him. He is mine. I have a son. I am a mother. Husband is a dad. We are a family; as much as we can be. Family (both) come back in after I am cleaned up. We all hold him. We take pictures of him; with him. It's all we will have.

Most of after is a blur. Leaving the hospital with empty arms. The funeral. Going through the process of the milk coming in; another painful reminder that I was all ready to give my baby, my son, life; and now I have nothing. Even now as I type this, 4 months later, I am crying because I miss him. It's not as bad as it was, but I will always miss him. He is our first child. Our other children will know that they have an older brother who is in heaven. And we don't forget, but life does go on.

We are on this roller coaster again. We found out on Thursday, December 11, that we are pregnant again. God give us strength to go through this. Give us peace.

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So that is kind of where we stand right now. I know it's kind of heavy to take in, and if you are reading this I hope it doesn't turn you away from here. I promise (and I sincerely hope) that I will never have to type something that heavy and serious for quite some time to come. And as I am sure that this post has become quite long than I thought my first one would, I will end here. Thank you for listening.