I never know what to put in the title...

So far, so good.

That really sums most of it up. Just got back from one of my weekly NST. Heart rate sitting at 125, and then accelerating up to about 150 with good movement. Blood pressure good, as always.

I see the OB on Thursday, and this will be the appointment where I get my prenatal sheet to carry around with me, and also I will get switched over to bi-weekly appointments.

Next week Tuesday I have another ultrasound in Winnipeg. Hoping everything looks good still! Still not sure if they will have me come back to Winnipeg for another ultrasound after this one or not. I will be 32 weeks pregnant next week, and if they follow their normal schedule, having me come back in another 4-5 weeks puts me at 36 or 37 weeks and by then we are already into planning mode on how this baby will be born. So I don't know.

On the emotional front, I have being dealing with a few little panic attacks each day. They are worse during the day when I'm home by myself and I find myself doing nothing for a bit. So as long as I keep myself relatively busy during the day with little things, and my hubby comes home to me in the evenings (which he always does!), I can manage them. They mostly stem from memories. I still can't get my head past how everything ended last time. My mind imagines all the way up to the birth, and then slams to a halt. Then I start to panic; worry about recent movement, worry about a possible c-section....everything just hits me all at once. I'm just glad I have such wonderful support around me!

Train keeps rolling...

Forward. Always forward.

I just realized that in my last post I said that my house is usually 90% ready for company; these last two weeks must have been that other 10%. Not a huge mess by any means, but clutter and stuff everywhere. In my defense, we were busy with taking the youth to a conference in Winnipeg for a weekend, so there was the planning beforehand and the sleep needed after, so that really dragged me down. But I will work at it slowly, and it will be back to neat in no time.

In baby news; at my last OB appointment they had me do the 1 hour sugar test, and that result came back high. So this last Monday I went in to do the 3 hour sugar test (oh joy...not). But I called for the results yesterday and they were normal. Huh. So no gestational diabetes for me! But because of the high result on the 1 hour test, I am still conscious of how much sugar I'm taking in throughout the day.

And for the next little bit, not a lot planned.

Two more Fridays with the youth, with a huge wind-up on the 22nd. Then youth is done.

I have another OB appointment on the 28th, and after that I think they will be bringing me in for an appointment every 2 weeks because I'll be 31 weeks.

I have another fetal assessment on June 2nd in Winnipeg, and I'm thinking that might be the last time I head in to the big city for an ultrasound. I will just continue to be monitored here at home.

So after all that, being about 32 weeks by then, I will slowly start working on getting the baby's room finished (again). I've been scared of getting it set up early this time because....well....it's just scary! But it will need to get done for sure by then, so I will suck it up and just do it.

As a side note, because I don't really feel like going deep into my feelings on the subject, let me just say that I'm not sure how to feel on Sunday (Mother's Day). It will be odd.

Totally confused by my subconcious

So I could have sworn that the really weird dreams didn't show up until much later in pregnancy. Either it's different just like everything else is with a second pregnancy, or my mind is just really messed up and enjoys playing little games with me. (Who doesn't feel at one time or another like slapping one of your friends because at camp he was eating all the good food with the superheros and leaving all the other kids to eat the slop that the Germans had brought over and it only consisted of different types of bread? That's normal, right?) Right. Moving on.

Later today I go see my OB for my first appointment since my six week check up after the last pregnancy. I wish I knew that I could get a lot more answers at this appointment that would allow me to feel more relaxed, but I don't think it's going to work. Here is a list of things that I would love to get done today but probably won't happen:

1. Find out how far along I really am. I never actually had a full normal period after the last pregnancy, so I can't use anything like that to date. All I know is the dates where we were actively "trying", and within that time frame I had one negative HPT. But it's also possible that I just wasn't pregnant enough yet for that test to tell me anything.

2. If I am far enough along, I would like to be able to hear a heart beat. It would go a long way to relieving me of over half of my fears. On the flip side, I don't think it would help me what-so-ever if the OB would try to find one anyways, and not be able to pick up anything. Oh sure, he would easily tell me that it's just to early, but I think I would just feel worse with that hanging over me because it was the heart that gave out in our first one.

3. A best case scenario would be that the OB would understand all my fears and concerns (which is very likely as this is the same OB that went through everything with us throughout the first pregnancy and knows what happened), and he will put a rush on my blood tests that will be done today so he can give me the good results before I leave, and then will call the ultrasound department and get me an appointment for later today just so I can see that everything is alright.

I don't ask for much, do I? Oh well. If all is well, I will post the details later today; maybe this evening some time. If nothing goes well, it might take me a few days to work up the courage to put my negative thoughts on here. We shall see.